Susan Brace - Clinical Psychology & Psychoanalysis

Mary's Journey
By Dr. Susan Brace

Mary was referred to my office by the case worker on her Worker’s Compensation suit against her employer after she was injured on the job.

The case worker was concerned that Mary was very depressed and suicidal.

When Mary arrived in my office, she fell asleep in the waiting room. When I woke her by speaking her name quietly, she startled and almost jumped out of the chair. She entered my office and took the seat furthest away from me. Then she picked up a pillow and held it between us as a sort of shield.

She had no idea why she was at my office. She denied that she felt suicidal. In fact, she denied she felt anything.

Not much progress was made during those first few weeks. She couldn’t remember what we had talked about the previous week. Sometimes, she couldn’t recall even having been at my office.

Something had so traumatized Mary that she erased everything from her mind before it could root there.

A few weeks later, she began to fall asleep during her sessions. What we had begun to talk about—injuries, especially those sustained in childhood and how powerless she felt over them—was too much for her to bear. So we talked about how she couldn’t bear talking about them.

A terrible psychic pain had begun to surface and, in an effort to control it, she began cutting her arms with razor blades. I knew that cutting was Mary’s way of converting psychic pain into physical pain. With physical pain, Mary could cause it, or stop it. She was in control. I asked Mary not to hurt herself, but to work with me on relief of her psychic pain in another way. She gave me an envelope of razor blades to keep until her treatment ended.

Months passed. I asked her if she felt I was a danger to her. She was surprised by the question. I pointed to the pillow shield. She said it was so I wouldn’t hit her. And the sleeping? She said she went to a very happy place. But I was troubled because, when she slept, her face was contorted in pain. It did not look as if she felt happy. She took that information “under advisement.” However, shortly after that, her sleeping in session stopped. I asked her to tell me if she felt she was being overwhelmed with something that didn’t feel good, and we would stop. That helped immensely.

Mary’s treatment took many years. Finally she was able to look directly at what had felt so traumatizing to her as a child and how her work injury revived those terrible feelings. The pillow shield stayed until almost the last month of our work together, when it was replaced by a tiny purse, then a business card, and finally by nothing.

Mary’s journey with me had ended. Using me as a bridge, she regained a feeling of safety in the world and renewed her interest in life.

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Dr. Susan Brace, RN, PhD, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in Evergreen, Colorado.
She can be reached at 303-679-1429.
Information about her practice may be found at www.drsusanbrace.com.

Dr Susan Brace